She had his picture in front of her. She was staring at it for quite a while now. She couldn’t understand her own feelings. There were these rush of emotions of love, satisfaction, sadness, a placid smile on her face with an emptiness in her heart. It was merely a picture now, but she recollected all the stories that one picture was associated to. The stories of how every morning he use to take a ‘selfie’ in bed, when just woken up, and send it to her with a good morning message, before she woke up, that made her smile for the entire day. She knew that he was old enough to perform such activities, but he did it for her. She was still young, she loved it. Yes! Those little moments which made her blush. She got lost in those moments, and it almost brought a smile on her face. The emptiness followed by that smile was just a realization that it’s been a while that she felt something like that, those butterflies in her stomach; and that she might not feel the same way again.
She stared at the picture, she ran down her fingers on the screen as if she could touch him, his hair, his lips, his white t-shirt… and her heart crumpled. She took a deep breath and tears filled her eyes. It’s been a while that she hasn’t sat back and thought about him. She kept herself so busy and pushed away the feelings, but somehow, she stopped today, and let the emotions hit her. Placing her chin on the left hand, she tilted her face a little and looked right into his eyes. Sitting in the car next to him, looking into his eyes… it’s the way they communicate. She smiles and he leans to kiss her, she pushes him back and they laugh. She smiles and blinks and there’s nobody around. She curls in herself. “I miss you”, she whispers, “I hope you are doing good.” she adds.
She keeps looking at the picture and moves back and forth in time so much that it feels surreal now. The images flashes in front of her eyes as if it was some dream. She suddenly feels like a teenage girl looking at her celebrity crush on the internet and imagining a life with him, she wants to grow up and marry him someday and she knows it’s a foolish but pleasurable thought to her. Memories of him are strong… but the images are blurred. She cannot feel his touch, like she use to when she had just gotten home after a long drive, holding his hand and kissing his left cheek quickly, the smell of him was still fresh. But now it feels like her nose is blocked.
She sits in her chair and travels back to the time when he left. She could feel him, but could not touch, she could hear his voice, but could not talk, she could see him but could not open her eyes. She followed him and they both got lost somewhere. She is trying to feel something now and the dialogue from the climax of the movie ‘P.S. I Love You’ runs through her mind, “I don’t feel him around anymore”. She feels firm, and Sara Evans singing in the background “I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay, even on my weakest day. I’m Getting a Little Bit Stronger.”
She looks at his picture again, with a placid smile on her pretty face…