“Dead City. Dead City. Dead City.
Words played in her head as they drove through the night. A beautiful experience which had taken birth in everything at first, was gradually going wrong. The scenery that she couldn’t take her eyes off, in the day light, was haunting in the dark. The huge mountains were reflecting only one thing on this plate at the moment, – one bright thing in the darkness – moon light! It made her realize how tiny she was in front of everything. The only thing calmed her down were the stars peeping and twinkling from the mountains and the moon playing hide and seek with the clouds, gave a mixed feeling of amazement.
The shining silver river also accompanied her so she didn’t felt lonely anymore. But as the distance between the road and the river decreased the sense of security decreased as well.
She was drowsy and scared and yet it was such an experience that she couldn’t even afford to blink! There were times when the mountains stood so tall that they would cover the moon and the world would go severely dark. But as they moved ahead the mood would make an appearance again and pass a sense of security and light.
“I have nothing to lose if I die right now” she would always say this to herself. So did she say it again that night. And gradually closed her eyes and fell asleep.
She was never good with social relations. She was always overwhelmed with everyone and thought that she did not deserve anything, good… or bad… But it was never that she never tried. She always worked more than her efficiency when she believed in something.
But the only problem was, She believed too much too fast.
“I have nothing to lose if I die” because she never had anything to hold on to.
That night, she dreamt about everyone that she knew. As if her conscience was reminding her or, probably, trying to convince her of all she had to hold on to.
“Family”, the dream said
“I am one person of all, I would eventually move away from them”
“I love them, and they love me. I am merely a part of their gigantic future.”
“Who lasted anyway?”
“Love always lasts forever, you might lose a lifetime of love”, the dream said with a tremendous amount of concern
“Even you will disappear in a snap, as the sun disrupts this conversation, and you are not even real” she replied with resentment.
She continued the monologue, “It feels rubbish to spend time knowing someone.
Family. Friends Lovers.
Surrounding a life to theirs. That is one time you feel like you have a purpose to live, purpose to make them happy, even if the process is painful. Their smile heals everything. That is the time when you don’t want to die because you are afraid that you won’t be able to see them, ever again. The thought that you will be alone, yet again, even after death, when death is so unknown. And then they are gone. Taking all the love from you, all the struggles as per their convenience, and your contentment along with them. All that efforts, all the time, all the pain…all in vain.
All you are left with is that tingling pain from your heart flowing to your wrist.”
“You expect too much… you expect a perfect person.”
“I expect a right person. So what if I do not live in a perfect, realistic world? I want the right person to be with me, in my imperfect wonderland. You cannot blame me of not trying! I am tired.
Just. So. Tired.
I want to be in that position once. I want to be the receiver. I want to be felt like the Alice of my wonderland. Once, where everything is so sorted out from my side that all I have to do is sit back and feel happy about all that is coming in my way.
I will give up the thought that I do not have anything to lose, if you make me feel it, if you promise me one chance of being on the other side of the table.
She got no response….